snapping out of it

I've been thinking of doing this blog post since last week, but I didn't have the courage to do so. I have the feeling that I should save the drama and proceed with life. Containing myself, until what happened this morning.

When I was a kid, I always thought I'd be a doctor. I aced Science; was able to qualify for a Quiz Bee and placed 3rd in fifth grade; topped Chemistry in junior high school. Not until my senior year, when I joined DK (theatre club) that I realized I can do more.

I wrote classroom plays and contributed on the production part of my club. I instantly became one of the production heads and stage directors. I graduated high school with a special award in theatre production albeit being in DK for just a year. I remember talking to my moderator, days before the graduation. I told him that I refuse to take the award because I feel like I haven't done anything great, really. I mean, I just did my job. He told me, it's a unanimous decision; it isn't something he just thought of one day and printed a medal with my name on it. "You may be one year old in DK, but what you've done made us grow for more years to come".

I wanted to take up Communication Arts or Fine Arts in college, but my mother hesitated. I know parents shouldn't make their kids' college decision, but my mother told me clearly: it is her money that will get me through college. Fine, I wanted college so much, so I took Psych.

My father wanted me to become a lawyer; mom told me Psych can be a good pre-law. I didn't know anything about Psych, though. I don't hate it, but I have no idea what it is. I failed several times (i.e. Trigonometry, Zoology, and Chem), and right now, I'm still taking one back subject. I'm trying to finish it this sem.

I'm 22, and I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. It feels like I haven't done anything great. Having this feeling makes me want to prove myself that I want to do more. Is it insane that I pressure myself to do a lot of things? Because really, everything I have accomplished (or the lack of it) isn't something to be proud of.

I still want to push my M.A., and probably a Ph.D., too. Work in a company in between and then decide if I still want to pursue Law. I still want to be a professor, but I haven't decided what course to teach; this will depend on my post grad study, which I haven't thought of as well.

I am scared of what will happen after college. I am scared of what lies ahead of me. I am scared to be a failure.

Sometimes, I feel envious of my friends who got into med school. Not that I want to pursue Med, but because they know where they're going. They will be future doctors of whatever specialization they want. Everything is laid there, planned. Mine? Still a blur.

I honestly do not want a job that only pays the rent, see. I don't want to be stuck in something that's pwede na at any phase of my life. Maybe, this is a lot of pressure and I might get crazy, but that's just how I am. Maybe I'm scared of what will my mother think of me. I have stayed long enough in college, and I don't want that to define what my future will be. I want my parents to be proud of me.

I couldn't count how many times I told myself to get it together, and still, I miserably fail. I am tired of being nothing; I want to get somewhere but here. I've sulked and whined too much. I don't want to get stuck in some place I where I can't prove what I can do.

Self, I'm working on it.