snapping out of it pt. deux

Sometimes, I worry too much, see. I've been staying up until 4am everyday of the week sulking on god knows what. Maybe it's a defense mechanism, maybe a coping mechanism, maybe a form of denial. My grandma died the day after the release of finals grade, I didn't really expect extreme events would occur in this sequence. I felt weak, and it got through me.

I can't handle any  situation that requires reasoning right now. I'm too emotional, I can't think, I just cry. It's something I am not, surprisingly, it's happening.

For a week now, I've been crying myself to sleep. Blaming everything and everyone why I act the way I do. I blame my mother for not letting me go out last Saturday--it felt that everything I want to do is restricted. I'm stuck in this house because my grandpa needs company, I'm stuck because I need to make sure he takes his medicine, I need to make sure he eats right, I need to make sure he isn't sad. I feel that I've lost every hope I had when I was still studying--I thought that my classes were the reason why I can't do the things I want, apparently, having finished college made being stuck at home worse. I blame living in a situation like this, I wish I had my own place, I wish I can go out any time I want. I wish that I didn't have to consider a lot of things before deciding to go out of this house.

I blamed my relationship; I blamed not having time; I blamed everything that I cannot control. I slept and ate whenever I want because it's the only thing I can do without people telling me if it's right or not. And I don't know if I'm right. I don't know if what I'm feeling is right. Maybe I'm defending myself for being irrational; maybe I can't accept the things I have to accept; maybe I can't admit that I need someone to talk to. I've been trying to solve my issues. I've been recalling therapy, personality changes, and anything really to help me diagnose whatever this is. I hate myself.

Often I wish, I could tell people that I don't want to do the things they want me to, and that they'd stop and not try to insist because I will give in. I don't want to do it, but everybody says that you have to do things you don't like.